You haven’t seen fat people until you’ve been to Disney
And we’re back… I Ruin Movies, the greatest comeback story since Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan II: World War III (to be ruined another time).
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)
As with any Ape-fearing movie watcher from Connecticut, I’ve been turned off of primate movies since the great Stamford Chimp Attack of 2009 - this includes you Ed. For personal reasons (night terrors), I’ll never watch this stoner-comedy featuring James Franco, but they’re always so predictable. Here’s my take:
Franco is a scientist (Ha!) in San Francisco who works with monkey’s and testing drugs to kill off Alzheimer’s, one of these monkey’s is a smart mother. She panics when her son-monkey is threatened and is eventually killed. Monkey-kill order is given but James can’t go forward with killing son-monkey so he brings it home and keeps it as a pet.
Some stuff happens with Franco’s father John Lithgow, Alzheimer’s and dementia and the son-monkey gets taken from Franco and put into a refuge. He gets moved to a sanctuary where he, because he is incredibly smart, becomes the leader.
At this same time, Franco creates a new form of the virus for testing which incredibly makes apes smarter but kills humans. Some humans catch the virus and die. The smart son-monkey breaks out and steals the virus and releases it so all the apes at the sanctuary are exposed and now smarter. They break out and run amok in San Francisco. There’s a fight on the Golden Gate bridge and some apes and people die. Apes go into the woods, they can now speak English, and Franco tells smart son-monkey that Franco will take him home, however the monkey says “I am home”.
Movie ends with a shot of a pilot sneezing blood (the virus Franco created) and showing the global pandemic that was created by Franco and the Alzheimer’s virus.
TAKEN 2: UNKNOWN (2011)
Liam Neeson was at his best playing Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars and I always thought his dad Leslie was a better actor (RIP). I did see the first movie in this series and thought it was ok, don’t really think I need to see it a second time. Of course that’s not going to prevent me from taking a guess at the plot:
Liam and his wife go to Germany. Liam has to take a cab leaving his wife at the hotel, gets into an accident, ends up like Terry Schiavo. Unlike Schiavo, Liam comes out of his coma four days later and goes to the hotel. Sure, his wife is there but she’s with fake-Liam now and claims not to know real-Liam. Fake-liam has family photos and everything. What. The. Fuck.
Real-Liam goes unconscious again, wake up in hospital, assassins show up to kill him and end up killing a bunch of doctors.
Fast forward. Turns out Real-Liam, Fake-Liam, and the wife are all part of an assassin team, in Germany to kill some Professor who has developed a solution to the world’s food shortages.
Real-Liam and the cab driver save the day, prevent the assassination, professor launches his food-saving plan, and Real-Liam and the cab driver get married and live happily ever after in Canada.
NO STRINGS ATTACHED (2011)
Now I’m never going to see this movie because it’s a rom-com with Ashton Kutcher and features that fat chick Natalie Portman. No use for this movie, but here’s my take.
Not worth my time.
FIGHT CLUB (1999)
Because I’m still pissed he left Jennifer Aniston, I will never support a Brad Pitt movie. Not even Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas or something called Fight Club (1999). I don’t want to disappoint my audience so I’ll take a shot at the plot, here I go:
There’s this club that fights, with Meat Loaf and that skinny douche from 30 Seconds to Mars. They make soap, fight, break stuff, and work. Then Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are the same person.
Fin.
The Village (2004)
Now the only M. Night Salamandermon movie I’ve ever seen was Lady in the Water and I god damn loved it - the man is a modern day whoever directed Citizen Kane. So something tells me this movie will be amazing when I get around to watching it. I know M. is something of a swindler so I have a head start. Here’s my guess:
Something happens. The year is actually 2004.
Sanctum (2011)
As a film connoisseur, I generally skip the direct-to-video releases. No chance this VHS ever makes it within my trusty Quasar VCR. Wait, what? This was a wide release? Like in theaters?
Three people show up (Josh, Victoria, Carl) to some caves that are underwater. Josh’s father (Frank) has already set up camp with some other guy. Frank and other guy decide to explore something called “devils restriction”. Of course they do. Next… oxygen hose breaks on other guys tank, Frank gives other guy his breathing thing. Other guy doesn’t give it back. Frank takes it back, other guy dies. Everyone else witnesses this. Yelling and name-calling ensues.
Unbeknowst to them a storm is brewing up top, like some Perfect Storm shit. They can’t surface. They have to go back into the caves. At some point during the attempt, some guy named Luko, some other guy named George, and Victoria all die. The also lose all oxygen tanks except for one.
The people left (Michael, Frank, Carl) regroup and then for some reason Carl goes all crazy and takes off with the last oxygen tank. Father and son are left. Or so it seems. Carl out of nowhere attacks the father, then dives back into the water.
The son “mercy kills” the father, the movies emotional pinnacle, then jumps in trying to escape with one tank.
Tank runs out of air. He remembers his dad told him there are oxygen bubbles on the cave ceiling so he uses those (bullshit). Just when he’s on the verge of giving up, he sees sunlight and bursts into the sea.
And that’s how I think it plays out
Black Swan (2010)
As a white male, I hate dancing. As an American, I hate Russia. So Black Swan isn’t allowed. Anyway, here’s my take. Pay attention, it gets a little tricky:
Lily (Mila Kunis); Nina (Natalie Portman)
Unexpectedly, Nina gets the role, to the dismay of other dancers. Nina starts to crack and go crazy, complete with hallucinations - she begins to think that Lily is determined to take the role from her.
One night Lily shows up to Nina’s house. They go out. Nina falls for Lily, they do it. Next morning Nina wakes up alone - goes to dance class and yells at Lily for not waking her up. Lily LOL’s in Nina’s face - THEY DIDN’T EFF! Nina was hallucinating.
Next night, Nina goes crazy and imagines she is turning into a swan. Flash forward to the night of the performance, Nina shows up and gets dressed. First act goes awful. Nina goes to dressing room, sees Lily. Fights Lily, kills Lily, hides body. Goes out and gives a standing O performance, goes back to her room. KNOCK KNOCK. Who’s There? OMFG!!1 It’s LILY! Turns out Nina was hallucinating again and actually stabbed and may have killed herself. But her performance? AMAZING.
TITANIC (2007)
Period movies make me sick so this isn’t on the short list. Pretty sure I can figure this one out; here I go:
Boat Sinks.
Juno (2007)
I hate when teenagers make bad decisions, especially annoying teenagers, so I’m not really in this movies demographic. If I had to guess, here’s what happens:
Juno (girl) gets impregnated by a feminine guy named Paulie. Decides not to abort the child, puts out an ad for adoption, finds a family. They seem genuine and happy enough, but SURPRISE!, it turns the guy is not ready for a child and is leaving his wife. OMG. Just when you think Juno is going to get stuck with the baby, she decides to give it to the woman even though Michael Bluthe left her.
The movies ends with Juno and Paulie being pretentious.